Love is in the air. As Valentine’s Day came to a close Sunday, many a couple laid with their lovers, entrenched in the beauty that surrounds a holiday made entirely of marketing strategies and forced consumerism. I digress. The point is, Sunday was a nice day for most. On any corner, you could find a couple eating yummy chocolate hearts and whispering sweet nothing into each other’s ears. Some however, were eating big chocolate dicks. Those big chocolate dicks are what we live for here at  So, for the inaugural Dick of the Day, we found a delightful story of star crossed lovers in Ohio. Uh oh…this is a true story.

Kimberly started her day as she would any other Sunday, slamming whiskies diet cokes and ripping through Misty Slims on the porch of her Washington County home. At 46, most Sundays were the sad 24 hours she had to herself before returning to a shame-filled, empty husk of a job. These Sundays were spent drinking to forget the ever approaching horizon line of her shortcomings in life. One could even say there was a simple beauty in the blissful, bubbly stupor she found herself by noon on most Sundays. But this Sunday was different!  It was Valentine’s Day. A day her lover would make her feel special, because he wouldn’t do it of his own accord. That would be silly. It would be like eating Big Chocolate Dicks.

Anyways, there she sat.  Pounding hard liquor while wholesome folk were drinking coffee and saying I love you. There she sat, awaiting her unnamed husband to return from third shift with a bouquet of flowers and those chocolate covered pecans she adored so.  There she sat as he turned into the driveway. He heart raced and her pits sweat. The cold didn’t bother her anymore because those pesky endorphins were firing on all cylinders. Here came her stallion; her knight in shining shit. The engine cut and the door creaked open.  A moment. Two. There he was, hold….nothing. Nothing but a lunch pail and sad smile. This story has no happy ending.

Crazy Kim lost her shit.  From what we understand, it started with a lot of yelling and ended with an unconscious husband laid out and the police getting involved. Felony assault with a baseball bat from lack of love. When asked why she was angered so, “He didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day.” She also blew a .221 at 11Am EST. That surely didn’t help things along while she was being booked for domestic violence.

“It’s better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all.” Tell that to her husband, the poor bastard. All we know is that she will be getting a couple big chocolate dicks in the mail from when she gets out of the pen. Organic chocolate goes well with whiskey. See you then, Kimmie.

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