Five People in Your Life Who Need a Giant Chocolate Penis Sent To Them Now: Anonymous Prank

1) Your Boss:  Whether you like your boss or not, an anonymous prank like is the perfect way to shake things up at the office.  If you’re in a large corporation, you may get a mass email.  If you’ll work in a startup, it’ll be nice and awkward for a few days.  Either way, a fat, veiny, chocolate slinky to the person who gives you more work than you can handle feels great and is worth every goddamn penny.

2)  Your Mother-In-Law, that dick eater:  Do you remember the first time you met her?  Do you remember the condescending tone she spoke to you in (and still does) about the state of your apartment?  “Clearly the coffee mugs should be stored in the cabinet over the coffee maker. Any idiot can see that. But it’s not my kitchen, so I don’t get to decide where the coffee mugs go. If you see me reorganizing my daughter-in-law’s kitchen, or any other room in her house, for the love of all things holy, punch me.”  We all have that one lovely woman in our lives who torment and judge everything you do, so why not send them an anonymous prank package?  She loves chocolate, so you don’t have to feel bad at all.  

3) A Totally Random Person:  I know there won’t be a ton of fulfillment on your end, but there is something sinister and incredible about sending an anonymous prank to someone you don’t even know.  It’s the long con, as it will create rifts in a workplace, home, office, or family outing.  With a random person, you can spend your summer afternoons gazing at the passing clouds and imagining the deteriorating relationships.  Yes, it’s fucked up.  No, you should not worry about it.  Fucking Steven Glansberg

4) That cock farmer that owes you money: Money is a touchy thing, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter if you have a ton of it or none at all, it’s a universally awkward subject. We like to pretend it doesn’t exist, that we’re all on some equal playing field, but we’re not. This is especially true when you’re in your twenties. The people who are fortunate enough to still get help from their parents can live la vida luxury while the less fortunate ones have to consider foot fetish modeling on Craigslist just to survive.  That being said, there is always the one peckerwood who complains about money constantly.  Being the good person that you are, you’ve helped him/her out once or twice during the hard times.  Now that they’re back on their feet, it’s time to collect, right?  Not with this shit demon.  Time to go into more debt with an anonymous prank via  

5) Donald Trump:  This is an easy one.  This tiny dick needs as many anonymous pranks as we can send him.  From chocolate dicks to chocolate shits, I would spend my life savings on this tangelo hued blow hard.  I won’t say anything that people haven’t already said about this man, but I do know he is evil.  This narcissistic character has duped an entire country of ill informed and under educated people.  Don’t his fervent supporters see the irony in the fact that while his campaign is running on bold claims and promises, he is currently in a lawsuit because of bold claims and promises he did fulfill at Trump University? No matter…I want to figure out how the hell we can send him a giant, cock shaped chocolate.  Fuck off, Donald.  Your campaign is broke, your children look like they skin elderly people in the back yard, and no one loves you.  

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