Dicktation: The Top Five Chocolate Penis pops we would send out this week
We all know someone who deserves to eat a dick. Whether it is your best friend or the boss that fired you for using too much toilet paper and flooding the office (not that I would know), there are millions of people in this world who need a chocolate penis reminder to “Eat A Dick”. So many, in fact, that it can be hard to choose. Have no fear, DAYD has your back. Each week, we scour the interwebs to find the brightest bulbs we would tell to eat a dick. This week is no different. Here are your Top Five Chocolate Penis Pops we would send out this week.
Ekwan Hill, is just like every other 42 man. He enjoys long walks on the beach, flirting with woman, and hanging out with his pals. He is also accused of throwing his poo at women in Manhattan earlier this week. What? Yup, two women were assaulted with human feces this week. One got a facefull of doo-doo and the other had it rubbed all over her backside (caught on video here). Why would anyone do such a thing. Apparently, in the name of God. When asked why he had become the shit bandit by reporters after his arrest, Ekwan simply stated, “God did it”.
This fella needs a chocolate dick stat. We heard prison food is seriously lacking this year.
Here you thought illegally setting off contraband fireworks while draped in the stars and stripes was as American as it could get: A North Carolina couple, likely deciding they had exhausted all other options, reportedly got into a fight around 1 a.m. on the Fourth of July throwing pizza rolls.
Details on what caused the altercation and, most important, what brand of pizza rolls were weaponized are currently unknown, but the couple, Brad Scott Beard and Samantha Brooke Canipe, were booked and charged with one count of simple misdemeanor each — would the charge be more severe if Hot Pockets had been involved? — and could face, respectively, 60 and 30 days in jail. Poor idiots will be sharing a Chocolate Dick with Ekwan.
Despite the fact that the Utah man doesn’t seem to think that it’s in any way humorous that he wants to marry his computer, many people find his chosen “spouse” to be a little bit funny. Others find it off-putting. Still others think it’s a cruel jab at the same-sex marriage rights the LGBT citizens in America fought so long and so hard to secure.
“Whatever a person has sex with they can bond with. This is getting into nasty facts stuff, and the truth is that’s engaging in private intimacy matters, and that’s completely irrelevant for the purposes of federal court, and it’s completely irrelevant for the legal matters at hand.”
Of course, there are thousands of attention seeking idiots in the world and Chris Sievers is no different. From my 30,000 foot view, it seems he is trying to make a statement about the Supreme Court’s 2015 ruling in favor of legalizing Same Sex marriage. Better send him a chocolate dick…..stat
I hate people…. That’s all I can say
1) Anyone who is part of the new Water Bottle Flip Challenge
Every year, there is a new “Ice Bucket Challenge” or “Harlem Shake”. I never thought I would cringe harder than the flash mobs assaulting my walking back in 2012, but America surprises me year after year after year after year after year after year.
Mike Senatore is my new most hated person in America this week. Now, all Senatore did was perfectly flip a water bottle in the air and have it land upright on a table for his high school talent show. The internet completely lost it, so now of course, they’re trying to imitate it. My brain just started leaking out of my ears. Chocolate dicks all around for anyone who is capitalizing on this by making a video of themselves doing this. We’ve all done this, so shut the FUCK up. Thanks.