Who loves chocolate? Nearly everyone. Who loves cocks? A lot of people. Who thinks cocks are funny? Probably everyone?

Put all that together, and it practically covers all humans, which makes a Dick at Your Door chocolate cock perhaps the safest bet for that whoever on your shopping list. Well, maybe money is a safer bet, but if that’s the case, then a chocolate mail-order cock is in close second. But whatever—we aren’t data analysts or mathematicians. We are proud purveyors of gourmet chocolate cocks. And while we are firmly in the chocolate-cock camp and thickly believe that every occasion is the right occasion to send that special (or shitty) someone a choco cocko in the mail, we understand that some people like to wait for that perfectoccasion, which we’re here to help you pinpoint.

1)      Christmas

Ever get a box of chocolates for Christmas and think, “This is pretty great, but it would be even better if these chocolates were blended together to form one gigantic chocolate cock?”

Trust us, we get it. Most people who open a box of meh chocolates feel that way. So instead of sending that forgettable assortment of chocolates, send one unforgettable chocolate dick.

Note: Chocolate dicks are also great gifts for each day of Hanukkah.

2)     Anniversaries

Chocolate cock gifts are fitting for every anniversary—wedding, work, fantasy football championship—but the sixth wedding anniversary’s dimensions are tailor made for these chocolate dicks. Couples traditionally gift each other candy or iron on the sixth anniversary, and it can be argued—in fact, many have made this case—that a chocolate cock represents both candy and iron.

So send that dick, because absolutely nothing says “I still love you” quite like a thick chocolate penis.

3)     A Cock for Your Congressman

Politics are pretty cocked up these days. It’s more important than ever to be engaged, so let your representative know you’re paying attention with a dick at their door. Dissatisfied with your Congressman (or Congresswoman)? Well, tell them to eat a dick. Elated with your Congressman (or Congresswoman)? Well, send them a delicious chocolate dick gift.

4)     Thank Yous

When someone does you a favor, it’s important to show your appreciation. Thank you cards are nice, but why not really show your gratitude by sending a chocolate dick— replete with personalized message—to the door of the good souls who’ve taken the time to help you on your journey? Each time they sink their teeth into that chocolate cock, they’ll think, “You know, it really pays to be a good person. Who else can I help today?”

5)     Fuck Yous

We don’t support vengeance, but when you’ve been wronged, it’s important to stand up for yourself, speak your mind, voice your displeasure, and there’s no clearer message than “Eat A Dick.” Each time whoever’s wronged you sinks their teeth into that chocolate cock, they’ll think, “I really need to be a better person. I need to be the best possible version of me.”

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