Valentines Day is The Best

Valentine’s Day comes and comes and comes with so much pressure. If it’s not perfect, your partner may think you’re a piece of shit. If it is perfect, everyone will be coming with so much pressure. There’s a fine line between fuck-up and fuckfest, and we’re here to make sure you end up on the f-fest side of things.

Express your love, your lust, and your weird ass sense of humor with the help of this approved list of the absolute best gag gifts for your boo this Valentine’s Day.

X-Rated Valentine Hearts

On Valentine’s Day, it’s essential that you let your boo know how you feel, but sometimes it can be difficult to find the words. Perhaps you’re too shy, perhaps you’re an inarticulate mongrel, perhaps you can’t enunciate because you drank too much wine with dinner, so let this box of X-Rated Valentine Hearts deliver that request to fuck and swap bj’s for bj’s or bj’s for vj’s or vj’s for bj’s or vj’s that you can’t muster on your own.

Funny Toilet paper for your valentine this year

I Love You from Top to Bottom Toilet Paper

How often do you look down to review your discards in the toilet and think, “I’m an unlovable monster…I deserve to be alone”? Our guess is you do that at least once every day. It’s a little hit to the confidence, which I Love You from Top to Bottom toilet paper looks to prevent. So remind your boo that your love is unconditional, despite whatever awful sludge they just behind in the toilet bowl.

The Valentine’s Dick

Quick: Close your eyes and start spouting the words that come to mind when you think Valentine’s Day.

Annd stop.

Annnd because we have your place bugged, we know the first two words you listed were “chocolate” and “cock” (though some of you said “cock” and then “chocolate”). Fittingly,, the world’s top cock chocolatier, is offering exquisite and delectable chocolate dicks that come the old-fashioned way—through the postal service—in collectable Valentine’s Day boxes with that classic DAYD exhortation under the lid: EAT A DICK.

Obviously, the best possible gift would be a chocolate mold of one’s personal cock, but that technology doesn’t exist yet—check back with in 2075.

Plush Organs, Plush Heart

The standard Valentine’s-shaped heart suggests a simple, teenage kind of love. It’s cute, but it’s kind of stupid and fails to capture the complexity of loving partnership. Love is complex and gross, much like the actual human heart. While these plush hearts aren’t quite as gross as we’d like—it would be truly spectacular if they were dripping in goo—their protruding valves will remind your boo that there’s nothing simple about your love.

OMG Penis Egg Fryer

Valentine’s Day dinner gets all the attention. Every couple wants it to be romantic and special, but what about breakfast? Everyone here knows breakfast is the most important meal of the day, every day—Valentine’s Day being no exception. So get V-Day started the right way with protein-powered ball-and-dong shaped fried eggs.


*Ball-and-dong eggs are also great for the morning after V-Day. You’ll need a big breakfast after all that plundering and spilling of fluids you freaks were up to all night.

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