All The Best Gag Gifts for Him This Valentine’s Day
Farts and dicks. Dicks and farts. It’s no secret that pretty much all dudes, no matter their level of sophistication, love dick and fart jokes. So when you’re looking for that perfect gag gift for your dude, send him a queefing (nobody knows how to spell that) dick.
Wait, queefing dicks don’t exist? Well, fuck, I guess we better put together a Dick-at-Your-Door approved list of the best gag gifts for him.
So here we go, in no particular order (that’s not true; the best is last):
Get down on one knee and give him the box. When he opens it up, he’ll find a mooning ass that blows heat in his face. And even though this is an odorless heat, it’ll mean the world to him—be ready with tissues to dab his tears.
If you just can’t bring yourself to say the words, to tell him that his dong reminds you of wrinkly grey elephant trunk, get him these elephant trunk boxers, replete with elephant trunk dong sheath. (Say that five times, as quickly as you can:
He’ll think of you every time he slides his dong into that elephant trunk.
Who knows what he’ll think of if (probably when) he slides his dong into this. This gag gift is borderline too much, and there’s a strong likelihood of two outcomes: He’ll either think you’re a disgusting maniac, or worse, he might really like it, if you know what I’m saying.
You’ll know it’s the latter if he smirks when he opens it and says something like, “What a great gag gift. No utility here, whatsoever.” That means he’s inevitably going to do sex with it. But because you brought it into his life, you can’t get mad at him when he does fuck it, even though that would be the all-time funniest reason for a fight.
Comes in Blond Ale or Red Lager. Ships anonymously, too.
This calendar of “wonderfully phallic natural rock formations” can hang proudly on any wall. Annnnnd proceeds from each purchase go to the National Park Foundation and the Prostate Cancer Foundation. I mean, come on. If you’re going to buy your dude a gag gift calendar, make it this one. Mother Nature’s dicks, after all, are truly the most magical.
5) A Dick at Your Door
So what’s the best gag gift for him? I seriously can’t believe you have to ask me that. It’s clearly, indisputably, a DickAtYourDoor.com chocolate mail-order dong. These dongs ship anonymously, so he won’t know who to thank, but each time he opens the box for a piece of that chocolate dick, he’ll ponder the mystery.