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Bullshit winter is almost gone, which means bullshit wedding season is almost upon us, which means bullshit wedding-shower season is practically in your face already. And your gals are gonna need some gifts. You know as well as we do that they’re gonna hate you—maybe forever—if you don’t get them just the right thing. Stressful, we know. But it doesn’t have to be. You girls may not tell you this, but they want funny wedding shower gifts (they might actually prefer really nice, expensive shit) and we are the one-stop shop, the promised land, the Internet’s premier destination for funny wedding shower gifts.

Here’s your answer: Choc-o-late DICKS.

How many wedding showers do you have to attend this year? Four? That really sucks. But okay, we can get at shopping wrapped up in just a few seconds here.

Go on and order four choco-dicks from

Be sure to select the thick chocolate cocks that come in the lovely blossom box.


Wait, I sense some hesitation. You’re worried that there’s gonna be wedding-shower attendee overlap and word’s gonna get out that you’re the friend who gives the same chocolate dick to everyone. You’re fearful that you’ll become Chocolate Dick Girl. You’re not wrong about that—that label will be affixed to you. You’re just wrong in thinking it’s a bad thing.

Say you gift choco cockos to the brides-to-be at the season’s first three wedding showers. What’s gonna happen if you don’t come bearing a chocolate cock to that fourth shower? Well, you’ll hear some ugly disgorging of rosé-fueled vitriolic our-friendship-is-fucking-over shit like this:

“Why in the fuck did Janice and Suzie and Bellanie get thick, delicious, LENGTHY,  chocolate cocks that came in lovely keepsake boxes that say EAT A DICK on the underside of the box lid and I just got this fucking bullshit four-cup Cuisinart rice cooker, which I know your cheap bitch ass probably got on sale, or worse, you’re regifting this bullshit. FUCK YOU. And get out of my party. And don’t come to my fucking wedding. I’VE NEVER LIKED YOU. I can’t imagine ANYONE liking your asshole ass.”The Blossom Chocolate Dick Penis Prank Gag Gift

Could you possibly endure an attack like that? I’m not sure you could. I’m not sure anyone could. A rosé rant is about as bad as it gets. Don’t inspire one. The scene will be quite different when your friend opens your gift, sees that lovely box and nods. “Chocolate Dick Girl came through,” she’ll say. “My sweet, sweet Chocolate Dick Girl.” And then she’ll pop the top, read the message—EAT A DICK—and because she’s rosé drunk, she’ll probably go right for it. Maybe she’ll start with a teasing nibble on those chocolate taters, or maybe she’ll go right for it and see if she can’t open wide and take that whole…..

Sorry, veered off track there a little bit. But anyway: Order those chocolate dicks now and tick an item off your t0-do list. And you know what, maybe order one for yourself, too. You deserve a massive chocolate cock as much as anyone. You go, girl.

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