Is there any message more unswallowable than this: Eat a dick.

You know the answer. When someone tells you to Eat a dick, you really stop and think. It’s more powerful than a Fuck you or an Eat shit or even a Suck my tits.

There’s something in the phrase—the thickness, maybe—that inspires honest self-assessment. Who am I? What have I become? Am I a nothing but a monster, a cock-gobbling monster?

Our world today could use some institutional change, and institutional starts on an individual level, often when people in power are told to Eat a dick.

Consider this scenario:

Vlad Putin receives a package at the Kremlin. He opens the box, an elaborate keepsake. Inside, he sees a girthy, chocolate dong. And there’s a message on the box flap. He’s taken aback by the words. His English is pretty good, but he hopes he’s misread it. He asks an English-fluent Kremlin staffer to translate. And it’s confirmed. “Eat a dick,” the message says. Surrounded by terrified sycophants and cronies, it’s been years since Putin has been the recipient of such bile.


Furious, he assassinates the translator. But what next?


The anger doesn’t dissipate—it only intensifies, but where to direct it? Who knows. The chocolate dong was shipped anonymously. It could have come from anyone, any of the world’s seven billion people, except Trump. Trump loves him. Or does he only pretend to love him because of the pee-pee tape?

“What kind of monster have I become? Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t want me to eat a dick?” Putin wonders.

He realizes the answer is no. One anonymous mail-order dick today. How many tomorrow? And the day after? Every day, thousands, millions of anonymous mail-order, gourmet chocolate dicks.

“I must change my ways,” Putin realizes. “I must stop murdering and jailing my political opponents, and I must stop interfering in elections across the world. I also must stop invading neighboring countries, shooting down passenger jets, fucking with shit in Syria. I will eat this dick and learn from it. From this day forward, I am a new man.”

A heartfelt note from the people at

Think about how much better the world would be if we could denuclearize and replace those nuclear weapons with chocolate dicks that could be shipped anonymously. King Jong Un being difficult? Ship him a choco dong. Putin up to no good? Choco dong. You get it. That’s why we’ve started a new program: For each dick you order from, we donate $1 to the effort to replace global nuclear stockpiles with anonymous mail-order chocolate dicks.

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