When my neighbor’s sister’s cubicle neighbor’s sister was eight, she suffered a prank so thorough, so perfect in its deviousness (*see below for the story*) that she’s never been able to recover fully. She’s only happy now—she only feels like herself—when she’s upper decking toilets, putting chili powder in your shampoo, or sending anonymous mail-order gourmet chocolate dicks via DickAtYourDoor.com. She lives to prank, and if you’re her cubicle neighbor, you better be fucking ready. Her office pranks are pro-grade. So we went to her and asked that she help curate a list of the best office pranks. Here we go, a roundup of some of the best office pranks from the best there is.

1)      Bacon-wrapped mouse

You can imagine what it would be like to have your mouse wrapped in bacon. Whether you’re a bacon lover or hater, each time you smell that bacon smell for the rest of your days, your mind will flash back to that bacon-wrapped Monday (this prank is most devastating on a Monday; all pranks are).

2)      Photo bomb

This works best when your coworker has a phobia, say of cats (which is called ailurophobia, btw). Here you can go with a full-scale attack and plaster every inch of their workspace with cat (or whatever you choose) photos, or you can go with a more subtle, drawn-out approach and hide one or two cat photos around their workspace each day for a month.

3)     Crap bomb

Everyone has that coworker who craps at the same time every day. Here’s what you do, and this works best if you have a team of prankers: At that allotted crap time, someone in the know rushes into the bathroom and says something along the lines of “The boss wants to see you RIGHT NOW.” Or, “There are breakfast tacos but they are going fast.” You get it.

4)     Anonymous Chocolate Dick from DickAtYourDoor.com

We swear we didn’t encourage her to choose this one. She just firmly believes that anonymous mail-order dicks from the chocolatier cocksmiths at DickAtYourDoor.com accomplish everything a prank needs to accomplish.

*So what turned that once innocent young girl into one of the most devious pranksters the world has ever known? It’s a sad tale, but here goes: In 1999 Ricky Martin burst onto the music scene with his irresistible Latin pop dance jams, and our girl, like so many young girls at the time, instantly fell in love. One afternoon, her father went to her and told her that they had a surprise for her upcoming 10th birthday party, and that he just couldn’t keep it a secret: Ricky Martin was going to come perform for her and her friends! Obviously, this was the most exciting news ever. So then the day arrives, and right at noon, when Ricky Martin was set to arrive, the doorbell rings and our girl throws the door open, only to find a somber looking woman: “Are you Caroline, Ricky’s number one fan? Well, I have sad news: He died on the way to your party. He died because of your party.”

Of course, she quickly learned that the whole thing was a terrible prank, but the damage was done, and a serial upper decker was born.

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