MAIL POOP TO YOUR ENEMIES – CHOCOLATE SHIT BOXES ARE HERE!
You’re disgusting. Disgusting but unfulfilled. Since you were a child, you’ve wanted to mail poop, specifically choco poop mail. (We know this about you, because we know everything about you; there’s a lot of other stuff we could bring up here, but we’ll hold off and lord it over you down the road, perhaps in a blackmail situation.) But, somehow, despite our rapid pace of societal advancement and innovation—for example, you can now anonymously ship choco-dongs through USPS—your dream of sending chocolate craplogs in the mail never materialized. Scientists couldn’t crack the chocolate shit code; the world kept letting you down. UNTIL NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS. Chocolate poop mail is here.
Behold: The “Eat Shit” box from the tireless innovators at DickAtYourDoor.com. So, yes, it’s true, your life is complete, and all it took was a near lifetime of toil from the DickAtYourDoor.com development team. They’ve emerged from decades in the lab with milk chocolate doo-doo that you can secretly send to any one in the world, living or dead.
Wait, I can sense that there’s a tinge of remorse in your jubilation. You’re thrilled, but you’d prefer an “Eat Poop” box to an “Eat Shit” box. Well, I have more great news: “Eat Poop” boxes are available, too.
“This is getting better and better,” you’re thinking, “but I’m going to go broke sending chocolate poop mail all over this godforsaken world. With all the research and development that went into this, these boxes must cost a fortune.”
Shockingly, they don’t. These choco shit and poop boxes are, for now, a mere $14.99 away from being entirely free. So review the backlog of people you’d like to send a chocolog off too and get to sending.
One assumes you have been compiling a list of people you’d like to send choco poop mail to, right? Well, if you’re in the slim minority—our polls suggest the figure sits between 1-2% of the population—who hasn’t been making a list and readying for this day, let me guide you a bit and truly open your mind to the possibilities.
Say president of your country is a big ol piece of cuss. Say he’s a shady ol boy who routinely dumps on everything in his path. Well, now you can finally send him chocolate feces in the mail. The only drawback here is that the chocolate poop actually tastes good. When he sinks his stupid teeth into it, he’s gonna like it.
Another scenario: Say your neighbor just hosted a big ol backyard barbecue and invited everyone in the neighborhood but you. Say you heard the music and the revelry all night, each little bit of laughter sinking you deeper into a pit of despair. Now, thanks to this new chocolate shit technology, you don’t have to plop a bag of flaming shit on his porch. All you have to do is shit or poop mail that prickface neighbor.
Welcome to the future. Chocolate shit is here. Flying cars are probably next.