Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for an unprecedented event. In a world where being the top dick is a hard-fought battle, this week we’ve hit the jackpot.
For the first time in the illustrious history of the Dick of the Week award, we have two winners.
But first, what's the prize? Normally, our recipients would be gifted with the 'Eat A Dick' Chocolate Box from Dick at Your Door.
A timeless classic, this sweet treat sends a clear message to its recipients, wrapped up in delicious chocolate.
However, given the special circumstances, our dual honorees will instead receive a product that’s equally, um, unique.
Behold the "Chocolate Shit - Turd In a Box", a confectionary masterpiece that’s as cheeky as it is chocolaty.
Shaped to perfection and delightfully detailed, this treat is the epitome of a message that can’t be misunderstood.
And it’s absolutely perfect for this week’s special edition.
So, without further ado, the TURDS of the Week are... (drumroll, please)... Johnny Depp and Amber Heard!
These two brought drama to new heights with their 2022 trial which was the reality show we didn’t know we needed (or wanted).
Now we get to relive that in the form of a docu-series on Netflix – which just dropped earlier this week.
Cool, now their dirty laundry (literally) has become this year’s must-watch too, leaving us equal parts fascinated and exasperated.
Why Depp and Heard, you ask?
It all comes back to an infamous incident. One party, two stories, and a mess that we just can’t look away from.
Supposedly, after a heated argument between the pair, Depp left their shared residence.
Prior to returning, he was informed that an unwelcome surprise waiting for him: feces on his side of the bed.
Who, in this tale of two Hollywood heavyweights, was the perpetrator?
- Depp claims it was Heard.
- Heard swears it was their dog.
- The audio evidence? It seems to suggest Depp was aware the dog had a stomach problem.
However, that doesn’t absolve Heard as the poo-poo perpetrator.
The mystery deepens, but let’s be real — whoever the culprit may be, this ordeal reached a level of petty that most of us can only dream of.
And for that pettiness, they both have earned their titles as Turds of the Week.
The reality of their situation, more gripping than any scripted show, is a tempestuous storm of accusations, legal jabs, and extravagant displays of pettiness.
Between court appearances, conflicting stories, and the constant media circus, Depp and Heard have turned their personal vendetta into public entertainment.
It’s exhausting. It’s compelling. It’s... a perfect match for our Chocolate Shit - Turd In a Box.
If only they’d known about our product sooner, one of them could have pulled this prank without any real mess (or at least had a backup story that was a bit more believable than blaming the dog).
It’s the kind of joke that’s all fun and games until someone ends up in court – and, unfortunately for Depp and Heard, that’s exactly where they found themselves.
And so, in recognition of their dedication to dramatics and flair for the absurd, we crown them both as our Turds of the Week.
So, to Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, as your crappy saga takes the world by storm (again…thanks Netflix!), this week’s special delivery is just for you.
The Chocolate Shit - Turd In a Box: a masterfully crafted, devilishly delightful treat that’s just as bold as your headline-grabbing antics.
It’s a little taste of the drama you’ve served us, packaged neatly in a box and tied with a bow.
Because, in a saga as messy as this one, sometimes you’ve just got to fight fire with... “chocolate”.