"Dick of the Week: 'Pharma Bro' Exits Prison, Welcomed by Chocolate Surprise"
Every week we roll out the red carpet and put on our best snarky smiles to honor one special individual. A person who, through their actions, earns the title of our 'Dick of the Week'.
We've got a little tradition here where we mail them a reminder of their crowning moment, delivered by none other than 'Dick at Your Door' with their iconic 'Eat A Dick' Chocolate Box.
The tastiest and sassiest reminder of their noteworthy actions.
We've got a never-ending list of potential honorees that we're steadily working through. Last week, it was none other than Jeff Bezos with his space phallus, I mean, rocket.
This week, we're turning our sights towards a man who needs no introduction, as he’s famous for raising the price of a life-saving AIDS medication by 5,000 percent.
Enter stage right: Martin Shkreli aka the Pharma Bro, a guy who's earned a dick-shaped reminder of his actions.
In 2015, Shkreli ran into the spotlight when he skyrocketed the price of a critical AIDS medication. But oh, the plot thickens, because Pharma Bro's repertoire of mischief doesn't end there.
He moonlighted as a swindler, duping investors in two hedge funds and cementing his reputation as a Grade A... well, let's just say he's not winning any popularity contests.
All these high jinks and jests earned Martin a seven-year, all-expenses-paid vacation in Club Fed (aka prison), with a not-so-tiny parting gift of $64 million... in fines! This was one 'go directly to jail' card he couldn't dodge.
Fast forward to 2023 and Shkreli, swapping his orange jumpsuit for a shirt and tie, made his exit from prison four months early.
Rumor has it he's now nestled up in his sister's guest room and earning a modest $2,500 a month at a law firm. Don't reach for the tissues just yet, we're far from feeling sorry for him.
But here's a thought to sweeten the deal - imagine Shkreli, making his evening mainstay of ramen noodles, when a special delivery arrives. A deliciously rich, decadently shaped chocolate dick, courtesy of Dick at Your Door.
Now that's a dessert worth savoring, a sugar-coated reminder of his new title - Dick of the Week.
The story doesn’t end there; however, as this saga of Pharma Bro has a plot twist - he’s gone viral, but not for the reason you’d hope. Shkreli is now a certified TikTok-er. Yep, you heard it right. Our old friend Pharma Bro is ticking and tokking with the best of them.
His video escapades range from showing off his arsenal of tech on the New York subway (we get it, Martin, you've got gadgets), to his comedic endeavors of trying to 'glow up' in Sephora (sorry, Martin, there's no concealer strong enough to hide your past).
And just when you think it couldn't get any weirder, he's out there in the 'hood', tossing around bags of money like he's auditioning for a rap video.
We're still trying to figure out the story he's trying to narrate here, but one thing's for sure - it has all the classic elements of a Shkreli saga: cringe, bizarre, and totally inexplicable.
So, amidst this strange display of questionable TikTokking, one thing remains abundantly clear - Shkreli may have left the jail, but his shady demeanor is still very much intact. Now that’s the kind of consistency you don’t want to see!
So here's our unanimous message to him from society, delivered in the form of an 'Eat A Dick' Chocolate Box.
Enjoy, Martin, you've earned it.