What do you get when you combine booze, small towns, and an eclectic old art teacher with who likes trimming hedges like a naked lady? Well, you get people sticking their dick in the bushes. Full Stop. This week's Dick Of The Week, goes to the regular johns who just can't keep their willie in their knickers.
From The Star UK:
Pensioner Keith Tyssen has been carefully trimming the hedge outside his Georgian terraced-home into the shape of a tastefully nude lady since 2005.
However the 84-year-old say has been continually awakened in the early hours of the morning by "lowlifes" trying to straddle his bush which he had named "Gloria".
Mr Tysen said he has to make regular repairs to the hedge and is now considering putting up a sign to address the issue.
Three-dimensional metal designer Keith, from Sheffield, said: "You get drunks publicly undressed and having fun with her in the middle of the night.
"I've been awakened many times - mainly by men and sometimes also by women messing about with her and making a lot of hysterical noises.
"About three weeks ago I looked out of the window about 4.30 in the morning and there was a man acting like he was shagging her.
"It's offensive and appalling and is damaging her figure - privets don't respond well to being manipulated like that.
"It's changing the shape of her legs and thighs and is annoying because I spend a lot of time trying to keep her in good order.
"I don't particularly want to spend any more time doing it."
Former art teacher Keith came up with the idea for Gloria - who he named after a local prostitute (ETF) - while teaching at the city's former College of Arts and Crafts.
"Gloria" was one of several ladies of the night artist Keith often saw wandering his own Georgian street nestled right next to Sheffield's busy night-life.
Although he admitted he was not "deeply acquainted with the real Gloria" who he also named personally.
He said: "I started by doing a figure of a monster which was headbutting a lamp post at the end of my garden and then it developed into this monster defending a maiden.
"She developed slowly over two-three years - it was quite fun really.
"The lady came out of my love for visual invention - it's just a creative thing I enjoy messing about with"
Divorced father-of-four Keith said he decided to gift Gloria with some plastic mock-pearl beads to give her a "morale boost" after her recent ordeals.
He said: "There were two incidents in one week and I thought she looked a bit messed about to I put the beads on to give her a morale boost.
"I'll always try and keep her going."
Keith, who helped to design Sheffield Train Station's impressive Cutting Edge sculpture, has not reported the incidents to police for fear of reprisals.
Alright, so Keith is a bit weird. Let's be real. However, that doesn't mean anyone should be plugging the bushes. That's why we have to hand the torch over to the local boys who have such a hard time getting any with the ladies in town that they have to fuck a bush. Who would you send a Dick to this week? Let us know!